I failed at bringing this back…again. And I’m trying…again. And, as usual, I feel weirdly guilty that I’ve abandoned this for so long. I want to apologize – but truly, how many apologies can I write about a project that is entirely personal? Who does that serve? And more importantly – to whom am I actually apologizing?
A few years ago, I decided I needed to stop casually apologizing so much. I’m not talking about apologies for the big things, but I’d noticed that I’d been starting more sentences with “sorry” than not. And it felt particularly bad when I was doing that for things that required no apologies, like (politely) asking for input on a project or (politely) requesting help in a store.
When you start a sentence that way, you’re going into the conversation defensively. You’re giving someone permission to consider you a burden. It’s a power dynamic that will subconsciously chip away at the confidence of even the most self-assured person.
Armed with that perspective, I decided to shift to a “thank you” model instead, but that was unexpectedly problematic in a different way. I found myself profusely thanking people for things that required perhaps passing gratitude. This was especially true in the workplace, but carried into all parts of my life.
I understand that it’s a weird concept – how could gratitude be harmful? The problem was that I noticed that the message was still stemming from guilt over entering into someone’s orbit, even if the conversation started on a lighter note.
I haven’t really landed on a better solution. I’m currently in a hybrid cycle of unnecessary apologies and overused thanks, which might just end up being where I shake out.
So, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry that I disappeared again. It’s okay if you didn’t notice I was gone – I forgot about carlyreads a lot, too. And thank you for reading – for continuing to give me chances to write and read and share.
I acknowledge that it would be easier to abandon what was once a great project and refer to it as something I did in the past. But there’s more life left in carlyreads and I intend to find it.
My upcoming posts don’t reflect all of the reading I’ve been doing but is a happy medium between writing about everything and writing about nothing. I’ve spent time going through half-written drafts, reviewing highlighted sections and picking the books I wanted to write about from what I’ve been reading since I last posted years ago. I’ll probably keep doing that for a bit. I’ve read a lot over the past few years.
In some cases, the space has even been helpful. In all cases, you’re reading a post because a book made me excited to write. I’m proud of what I’ve pulled together – in every sense, I’ve come a long way since my first post in May 2014. I hope that’s reflected here.
So there it is. As always – happy reading! And I’m sorry. And thank you.
carlyreads 